中国带给我生命中最美妙的礼物就是我的女友，红。我的家在南非，最初我和红通过交笔友而互相结识。她的生活对我来说充满了神秘色彩，两个国家人们的思维方式和行为习惯是那么不同。所以，这里我想写一点东西来谈谈和一位外国女孩恋爱是怎么回事。
作为一个“老外”，当我告诉家乡的朋友，我在和一位美丽的中国女孩约会时，他们都觉得我太幸运了。然而我发现，当红承认她在和一个“老外”谈恋爱时，她的同学却都非常诧异。跨国恋情常常因为家里人不赞成而以失败告终，我听说过许多这样的故事。这使我不得不考虑很多问题。
在西方，人们会觉得和一个中国人谈恋爱很正常，通常，家里人会很赞成，并且他们也会觉得这很“酷”。同时很多西方人有一种观念，即中国女性温柔善良，对丈夫百依百顺，体贴入微。但我可以告诉你，我周围的女性朋友包括我的女友在内，都不属于这种类型，事实上，是我一直宠着红。
另外一件有趣的事是，我觉得中国女孩和外国女孩的浪漫程度不同。我周围的一些外国朋友们也认为和西方女孩相比，他们的中国女友不够浪漫。在中国，人们似乎有着不同的恋爱观。
我发现在中国，大部分人都不相信爱情能战胜一切，也不相信爱情会天长地久，他们似乎觉得每一场轰轰烈烈的爱情最后都会以“浪漫的死亡”而告终。在这一点上，和西方人相比，中国人都是悲观主义者，而西方人却更加天真、乐观。我们甚至从电影里都可以看出这一点。
你在多少部西方爱情剧里看到女主人公最后死了？一部？两部？但几乎所有中国爱情电影里的恋人都会有一个死去，通常都是“她”死在“他”的怀里。并且女主人公往往会同时被两个男人追求，其中一个是女主人公的真爱，而另一个则有钱有势。我认为这是中国人爱情观的下意识流露。那个有钱有势的男人，代表着许多女性想在婚姻生活中得到的东西----稳定和经济保障。而那个真爱对象则代表着女性的欲望，而这种欲望通常是被禁止的。如果她大胆追求她的快乐，那她就会受到惩罚，在电影里，她就会死去。
我经常和红谈论将来，我总是把将来描绘得灿烂而美好。她却似乎不那么乐观。我认为这有着历史原因，历史上的中国女性没有选择丈夫的自由。自由恋爱、自由婚姻的历史在中国并不长。所以，过去“爱情是痛苦的”的观点，在今天的中国仍被广泛地折射出来。
我喜欢在夜晚和红一起散步，我喜欢牵着她的手的感觉，这是我们爱情的一种表现。尽管如此，这种行为受时间和地点的限制，在朋友们面前我们不会有任何亲昵的行为。在中国，我常常见到恋人们亲吻、牵手，但绝没见过他们在熟人面前这样做。这和西方大不相同，西方的恋人们不介意当着朋友甚至是父母的面亲吻或表达爱意。
也许将来我会和红结婚，也许我们会生活在西方，那时，对周围人们的恋爱方式感到惊讶的将会是红。不管怎样，当你到了一个不同国家，你有责任适应、接受当地的社会行为方式，尤其当你有一位中国女友，而且你也在中国。
（作者：Nick 南非/英国 廖波/编译 本文作者现居上海，是一位网络英语外教）
By Nick
One of the best things that China has brought into my life is my girlfriend, Hong. I met her as a pen friend in my home country of South Africa. I found her very interesting because of the cultural divide between our countries. Her life is something of a mystery to me, motivations and inclinations being fashioned out of a country so different in ideological foundations. So here I will write a little about what it is like to have a foreign girlfriend.
Prior to my arrival in China I had two long term relationships which I use as a base for comparison, though I am sure my girlfriend would kill me if she knew! Sorry honey! One of the biggest differences I find is that my current girlfriend is more compassionate and receptive to my feelings. That being said, I think that many Chinese people enjoy a certain amount of teasing in a relationship, indeed I have become accustomed to the phrase ‘Tao Yan’… though I am still not sure what it really means, I am sure it has something to do with her wanting to hit me with a mallet…
As a Lao Wai dating a beautiful Chinese woman my friends back home think that I am very lucky! Because of this reason I am proud to display her on MSN and through emails. However, I notice a bit of trepidation in her department when it comes to admitting she is with a Lao Wai （at least to her parents…） boyfriend. I have heard stories of inter-international couples who have broken up due to interjection from the disapproving family. This is something that makes me think. In the west, it is quite alright to date a Chinese person, in fact, the family would welcome it, and they would think it ‘cool’. There is also a preconceived notion that all Chinese women are soft, easy to manipulate, waifs with only one goal in mind, to look after the man. I can tell you that my female friends do not fall into this category, nor does my girlfriend. In fact, it is I who dotes on her （the girlfriend）.
Another thing that I find interesting is the level of romance that I experience. Many of my male friends who have Chinese girlfriends say that they are not that romantic, at least when compared to western girls. There seems to be a different mind set when it comes to love here. I find that people in china are more used to the idea that love does not work, does not last forever, and that awaiting them at the end of the affair is some romantic little ‘death’. They are far more cynical then western people. Indeed western people appear more na?ve but at the same time, more hopeful. We can even see this in the movies that are produced. How many times do you see a western women die in a love drama? Once, twice? But in almost all Chinese movies the love interest dies, usually in the arms of her lover. There are also always two men after her, one who is the true love, the other some rich or powerful man after her. I think this is a subconscious representation of a countries psyche. The rich man represents what many women want in marriage, stability, and financial peace of mind and the real lover, her desires which are forbidden. In her attempt to achieve happiness she is punished, in the case of movies, she is killed.
I often talk about the future with my girlfriend as something that will be grand and joyous. She seems to take a more cynical approach, one that can even be seen in her poetry. Many of my friends also tell me their girlfriends are like this. I think that the reason for this goes back many years, when women did not have a choice in who they married. And, unlike the west, this only stopped recently. So the image of love being a painful thing is still prevalent.
One thing that I really like to do is to walk at night with my girlfriend. I enjoy holding hands as it is a sign of affection. However, this is something that has a time and a place. Situation: when in the company of one’s friends the level of physical contact drops to nil. Unlike the west public displays of affection are not socially acceptable in front of friends. It is common for me to see lovers kissing, holding hands, but never in a social group. This is very different to the west where people do not mind kissing or showing love in front of their friends, or indeed, in front of their parents. I think that this has something to do with respect, and I have to admit it is a refreshing change. Of all the things that I have written above, none of them are of a nature where I cannot adapt. Perhaps in the future we will get married; perhaps we will even go live in the west. In this case it is her who will find love a very strange thing. Either way, when in a different country it is our responsibility to adapt and to accept the social setting, especially when your girlfriend is Chinese and you are in China. |
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